February 1st, 2011 § 2 Comments
I used to really believe that people could change, but I’m beginning to believe that people don’t really change, and I don’t think it’s defeating.
In fact, the lack of changing that people do is actually the thing to really pay attention to, because somewhere in there, is their compass.
That’s why I can live in Michigan, Virginia, and California, and still wake up every day with the same set of thoughts and go to bed with the same set of worries. Sure, my day to day tasks shift according to where I am, and things feel different for a while, but ultimately I have a North on my compass and I eventually begin to walk in that direction, no matter what it is that I’m doing, no matter where I am, no matter who I am with or without.
I am still learning what that North is pointing toward, but I am beginning to figure it out. Recently, Andy Prickett asked me what it is that I started doing in life, particularly as a child, without anyone telling me to do it. I’ve given that question weeks of thought and realized it boils down to various forms of documentation: namely, songwriting. Lyrics first, melodies second. I loved to record myself on my little Fisher Price tape recorder (nearly identical to the one below). Musical documentation made the most sense to me. If my memory serves me right, I learned to read music right around the time I was learning to recognize the letters of the alphabet. It made writing melodies seem easy because it was built on a system that I could not only see, but also feel.
Second to that was writing in general; no one ever told me to keep a journal, I just knew I needed to write things down. I still have lingering interest in photography and film, but I’ve since realized that while I love the documentation part of it, I don’t possess the patience or people skills necessary for actually making any type of vocation out of it.
I like to remember, and music is the way that I remember things best. When I write, it’s often based on a facial expression that I saw, or a tone that I detected in someone’s voice. My memory is probably very inaccurate, because most of it consists of not what was said or done, but more-so how I felt. I’ve said many times in the past that I can’t remember if I actually said something, or if it’s just how I felt at the time. I’m sure I stole that sentiment from someone, but not ironically at all, I don’t know.
This whole idea is coming up a lot recently, I’m having a lot of unrest in my day-to-day activities, and I keep having this revolving conversation with dozens of people. I find myself often saying that working for money alone isn’t enough motivation to work anymore. I’m also realizing more and more that when I say yes to one thing, I am by default saying no to a lot of other things. I can probably list on one hand the things I want to say yes to in life. And now, one thing at a time, I am learning to identify which risks to take so I can say yes to the right things. Taking risks has always been quite natural for me, I seem to be generally attracted to risk, as a matter of fact. In the past I’ve taken unnecessary risks because I don’t think I knew how to identify the right ones. But, the more clarity I have regarding what my North is, the easier it becomes to determine which risks are necessary, and which risks are distractions, whether emotional, locational, relational, or just to pass the time.
I haven’t personally reached a conclusion on this, so I end this entry with no conclusion. But, here’s that Fisher Price wonder:
The first two paragraphs are brilliant and something I think I need to embrace. I’ve spent a great deal of energy lately trying to change, but when all is said and done I will likely return to the same habits and desires.
“Recently, Andy Prickett asked me what it is that I started doing in life, particularly as a child, without anyone telling me to do it.” – brilliant. i cannot wait to sit and ponder this.
Julie- this was both refreshing and thought provoking. Thank you!